A letter to President Trump from Asia

I was sorry to read on your Twitter feed about the problems you are having with fake news (sorry, FAKE NEWS!), the enemy of the American people.

I sympathise. We journalists can be annoying, what with our tendency to bang on about facts and truth, and our disinclination to just take really powerful people at their word. Sad!

Having lived and worked in Russia and China, and reported from North Korea, I thought you might appreciate some friendly tips on how they handle the media. You're welcome.

Let's start with China. They take the direct approach.

Last year, President Xi Jinping toured the headquarters of the main state news organisations, reminding reporters they must show absolute loyalty to the Communist Party, and closely follow its leadership in "thought, politics and action".

In case anyone didn't quite get this, he told them to think of their surname as "the party".

You might want to try something similar with The New York Times.

People tweeting things you don't like? China has already thought of this.

Here, they've built a great big firewall around the internet. I know how much you like walls.

So now you can just block whole websites. Twitter? Facebook? Both blocked in China. This also works for news sites that displease you.

And if the television airs an unflattering report, you can just have the censor dip it to black. End of problem.

Russia, under that strong leader you so seem to admire, has been steadily dismantling its independent media since Vladimir Putin came to power.

A number of Russian journalists have met unfortunate, untimely deaths.

They've also perfected what you might like to call the Nietzsche approach: "There are no facts, only interpretations."

The Kremlin-backed Russia Today TV channel functions along these lines.

As its editor-in-chief, Margarita Simonyan, explained to Der Spiegel a few years ago: "There is no objectivity - only approximations of the truth."

The beauty of this system is that once you dispense with facts and the notion that objectivity exists, it's all just a matter of perspective.

This is especially helpful if you ever need to annex part of a neighbouring country, or fight a secret war in Ukraine.

You just come up with your own "alternative facts" and stick to them.

But if you feel like Russia and China are leaving things a bit too much to chance, there is also North Korea.

Fun fact: Kim Jong-Un also likes to talk about "patriotic devotion", though he has yet to declare a whole day in its honour, so you are one step ahead of him on that.

In Pyongyang there is only state-controlled media, and it is among the most tightly controlled in the world.

The good thing about this is that if something bad happens that you don't want your citizens to know about - say the mysterious death of your half-brother and sometime heir to your job - you can just stop them finding out.

You tell the media not to mention it, and they do as they are told. Easy D, as you might say.

Now, I know you're getting some pushback on this at home, what with John McCain warning this is "how dictators get started", and Carl Bernstein accusing you of "demonstrating an authoritarian attitude and inclination that shows no understanding of the role of the free press".

But what does either of them know about freedom or the free press, right?

Anyway, I know you're a busy man. I'll let you get back to running that finely tuned machine.